A fresh beginning
it took a while to get here and I have been here before
but just like love and hate sometimes I cant really tell the difference
so when I need to find fault I look at my reflection.
I moved away from the place that held the majority of my pain,
It was obvious enough that I would carry it with me
but a constant visual reminder would be the finish.
I needed a start.
A full circle so I try to play my part when it comes to saying sorry.
Back than you said it was because we were young and to not feel so bad.
I wish I could sleep with an excuse like that, but than again I never really found an excuse nor a reason so I guess its better than nothing.
like you were.
Sad.
That's the truth.
But I will walk to the grave with a lot of this mess and I'm still in my twenties.
See I found the peace that helps to forgive not seeking it from other eyes except the ones I look through thats the hardest part of this is trying to forget.
Never will.
My mind races and I wish I could erase it,
cant train it away but too late to change.
Just deal
just deal
just deal
Oh its madness you say to bet on these odds
I forgot that you take chances pass going to bed with me.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Open Eyes
There is a future
I made it another day and I count it a victory as soon as I lay my head.
So I look at tomorrow as something to take
I can focus towards it with a nervous ambition.
Like the next drink would always cure the shakes.
Not always safe with me but I try,
eyes have been dry to long
I cant figure how the break downs work anymore.
Succeeded in taking it all apart but lost interest in putting it back together.
Got good at leaving things a mess and walking away with a calm content.
Now its all just a freezing anxiety of round corners and flat circles,
Haven't even made it to the point of accepting that I need to accept.
A sticky situation but Ill die for happiness which means I'm full of shit cause its a lost commodity.
More than half my life lost to sacrifice
common stories but the avenues lead to dead ends.
In came the income and out went true work.
When its put in jeopardy the fools play the game
they just didn't know that all the cards were the same.
See after the bridges stopped burning I picked up what was left and still found away to get across.
I made it another day and I count it a victory as soon as I lay my head.
So I look at tomorrow as something to take
I can focus towards it with a nervous ambition.
Like the next drink would always cure the shakes.
Not always safe with me but I try,
eyes have been dry to long
I cant figure how the break downs work anymore.
Succeeded in taking it all apart but lost interest in putting it back together.
Got good at leaving things a mess and walking away with a calm content.
Now its all just a freezing anxiety of round corners and flat circles,
Haven't even made it to the point of accepting that I need to accept.
A sticky situation but Ill die for happiness which means I'm full of shit cause its a lost commodity.
More than half my life lost to sacrifice
common stories but the avenues lead to dead ends.
In came the income and out went true work.
When its put in jeopardy the fools play the game
they just didn't know that all the cards were the same.
See after the bridges stopped burning I picked up what was left and still found away to get across.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
There is no POINT
nothing now is a quick fix
and I wont find god because I don't like looking for things that aren't there.
like those pink elephants.
So I reach for the bottles I cant hold anymore and realize
ill be alone like this as long as I can keep the line straight.
More than I like to admit depends on this straight line.
Too many directions and I cant make up my mind so it is helpful like advice that's asked for.
Mental slavery the broken side of bravery and the faded scenes that still hang around to keep my sleep unsteady.
I focus on whats important and lose sight of what really matters
collateral damage and the speak becomes twisted like the days her smile doesn't register.
and I wont find god because I don't like looking for things that aren't there.
like those pink elephants.
So I reach for the bottles I cant hold anymore and realize
ill be alone like this as long as I can keep the line straight.
More than I like to admit depends on this straight line.
Too many directions and I cant make up my mind so it is helpful like advice that's asked for.
Mental slavery the broken side of bravery and the faded scenes that still hang around to keep my sleep unsteady.
I focus on whats important and lose sight of what really matters
collateral damage and the speak becomes twisted like the days her smile doesn't register.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Burn in a better way
Its all so short
only making it half way through
nothing more than a marking place
but there is credibility at the half.
everyone pays what they owe eventually
Who wants to measure my eyes when no one else dares to see through them
A distorted point of view
as no one listens to my actions
I feel the chiseling effect slowing as the down comforter signifies all the safety nets that now surround me.
Fear does funny things in people
and when I fail it seems a lot of people fail like they are standing on my edge trying to make sure that I don't slip and when I go we all go.
That is not my fault.
I hold on but only to the rhythm of life even when I cant keep the beat it still rattles on my tongue and bounces through my veins.
People come and people go.
I understood that along time ago
So I go in directions that I cant compass and become a first hand witness to people who become materials themselves.....
To be...
used,
tried,
loved
and than forgotten.
Its the cause of the highly improbable.
Inpromtu but my biggest problem now is you.
and you look my direction for answers,
when I cant sit through the day with the patience it takes to see the sun and the moon.
to much to consume.
Been to long sense my last step backwards but you're to good to hurt.
So right now when the fate comes calling I'm going to live for myself even with a conscience that's heavy with other peoples agendas.
only making it half way through
nothing more than a marking place
but there is credibility at the half.
everyone pays what they owe eventually
Who wants to measure my eyes when no one else dares to see through them
A distorted point of view
as no one listens to my actions
I feel the chiseling effect slowing as the down comforter signifies all the safety nets that now surround me.
Fear does funny things in people
and when I fail it seems a lot of people fail like they are standing on my edge trying to make sure that I don't slip and when I go we all go.
That is not my fault.
I hold on but only to the rhythm of life even when I cant keep the beat it still rattles on my tongue and bounces through my veins.
People come and people go.
I understood that along time ago
So I go in directions that I cant compass and become a first hand witness to people who become materials themselves.....
To be...
used,
tried,
loved
and than forgotten.
Its the cause of the highly improbable.
Inpromtu but my biggest problem now is you.
and you look my direction for answers,
when I cant sit through the day with the patience it takes to see the sun and the moon.
to much to consume.
Been to long sense my last step backwards but you're to good to hurt.
So right now when the fate comes calling I'm going to live for myself even with a conscience that's heavy with other peoples agendas.
li(f)e
This is the stuff of real life.
a slow dance by myself.
not even on a good night.
I need to learn to live on less.
Nobody fears the lows they just fear the climb back up.
a slow dance by myself.
not even on a good night.
I need to learn to live on less.
Nobody fears the lows they just fear the climb back up.
A sense
Memories of what a home was.
But I cant figure out if it gets better than now?
She said why would you want to start over?
Just stuck between wanting to regret that I did than regret that I didn't.
Maybe my luck will be better else where.
Funny when time adds, seems to fast to grasp and when the questions cant be answered it seems I would need the patience of a lifetime just to see things out.
An old soul struggling, alcohol is a part of me just like she will be with me until the end.
Secrets and truth as all my life can be found in loose leaf.
Never able to forget but determined to forgive with a sense of humiliation.
Once in a while the shadows will slip my mind and the days go by with ease so I let them slide.
What pulls you through can you share some with me?
I don't want to die waiting... but I know now that if I don't do what needs to be done I will die wanting but I guess it all just plays fair.
Redemption and salvation as peace becomes something you see not something you feel.
People don't learn from their mistakes.
Now everything seems out of tune nothing new.
There is a selected few who have to deal with this as I do and I am grateful...
In debt to those who understand a bit of me
some days they know me better than I know myself.
Stability in a room that wont stop shaking.
Are you feeling guilty yet?
But I cant figure out if it gets better than now?
She said why would you want to start over?
Just stuck between wanting to regret that I did than regret that I didn't.
Maybe my luck will be better else where.
Funny when time adds, seems to fast to grasp and when the questions cant be answered it seems I would need the patience of a lifetime just to see things out.
An old soul struggling, alcohol is a part of me just like she will be with me until the end.
Secrets and truth as all my life can be found in loose leaf.
Never able to forget but determined to forgive with a sense of humiliation.
Once in a while the shadows will slip my mind and the days go by with ease so I let them slide.
What pulls you through can you share some with me?
I don't want to die waiting... but I know now that if I don't do what needs to be done I will die wanting but I guess it all just plays fair.
Redemption and salvation as peace becomes something you see not something you feel.
People don't learn from their mistakes.
Now everything seems out of tune nothing new.
There is a selected few who have to deal with this as I do and I am grateful...
In debt to those who understand a bit of me
some days they know me better than I know myself.
Stability in a room that wont stop shaking.
Are you feeling guilty yet?
clorox
Compassion on a different level
When I cant fight my own feelings all I can do is laugh
A hidden weapon
I am better when I am at my worst
When I am at my best I don't want to be there
So I stay shallow to fit in.
Crushing up the weight but keeping the amount correct
Sometimes things need a change in prospective.
I do...
I need to see things.
More to feel them.
I don't always trust my gut and my heart has led me to places where screams are the language.
I fight being here, so I don't settle.
A silent heart finds stability in simple whispers.
So i speak loud and keep my heart beating,
beating,
beating ,
so I don't have to strain to hear.
I have seen time go by fast and in the mirror the changes are becoming obvious,
not so obvious is it..........
The way I think.
Just sink....
When I cant fight my own feelings all I can do is laugh
A hidden weapon
I am better when I am at my worst
When I am at my best I don't want to be there
So I stay shallow to fit in.
Crushing up the weight but keeping the amount correct
Sometimes things need a change in prospective.
I do...
I need to see things.
More to feel them.
I don't always trust my gut and my heart has led me to places where screams are the language.
I fight being here, so I don't settle.
A silent heart finds stability in simple whispers.
So i speak loud and keep my heart beating,
beating,
beating ,
so I don't have to strain to hear.
I have seen time go by fast and in the mirror the changes are becoming obvious,
not so obvious is it..........
The way I think.
Just sink....
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