flux

time and this is my escape
cant sit with self now
and the days are counting
when its been not ok
perfection in the snow
no traces of human destruction
this is not my place
not a saving grace and far from your
prophet
your poet
your lover and friend
rather hide under my house
a death alone
keep me sainted in the way it all just gets forgotten
a mouth full of hell
the shingles are all off
and the fires smoke just wants to stay inside
no fans to blow and
this is the first winter
to survive in along time
tearing the dreams from my skin
and replacing them with scars of a forgotten youth
like paths no longer visible
somethings just go away
like there love
not greed but blood dries and this ground is thirsty
a part of everything that we once were
floating and always thinking that next wall is the oasis waiting.
call me will go taste the tears together

chipped

led by now who knows will see
led to see something far away from the
deasert
like the skys here hold something different in the air
less breath
less human content
so whats the matter
with wanting to be an anchor tied to land
like the quick sand never came
i still dig my wholes and build castles out of air
someday ill rest my head
and bury all my apprehension under ground
i did pack my shit up too come home
so I'm stuck in the same way i thought being away was a fuck up now I'm here
with the wonders and crooks
went to bed today in a really simple way
just in no cause and friction over these frozen streets
hard to find like good dirt and something to grow
a harvest and a way of life
no work no true religion
a place that is mine but not proud of it.

warm for you

theses bones rattle in this cold
everyone i left behind
held a place
a certain grace but mistakes i could not face
no taste for the stale life
but i live
I will die it
no good deaths anymore
and all these eyes lie
don't tell me mine hold truth
i know more than you
behind these hazel eyes
is pain and addiction
a dream to drowned
a nightmare to live
and plenty of smile to give
that's the easy thing
the hard part is the reciprocation
like here just take it all
no goodbyes just good luck
and the last thing you should know
is i walk fast
a back turned and used to those knifes
so go ahead
let loose
see how it feels you'll probably just be more confused
cant kill the dead
but you can frame me instead
the perfect crime
living in a 12 step line
and eleven being nothing but lies
every night the smoke is accepted as breath
and the shit passes as substance
thanks for the belly full

Thanks

i don't know where to go
show me how it used to be
even with the booze
a remorse
but the offerings are always petty
and on a five finger discount
darkness will always come
through my eyes closed tight
please don't assume that i will always love you
undress my skin
and frame the insides for a day worth dying for
wishes and no return
let it out
nothing came back
a return
so now again i run from my own home
pushed aside and no thumbs to stick out
who'd give me a ride
the devil
Ive taken a few before
know how that ends
civil and sainted
with goodbyes and a list of addictions
for this heart of mine
thanks man of death
no flame
no lit way
prey turned to praying and and open invitation
to fail
to quit
to smolder away
to the ashes
all i have that is mine
a pocket of used matches and one last cigarette

Homeland

Tragic no magic to tackle the

Relenting tactics of your enemy

Razor sharp and a wit not held down by a vice

Vicious in their vision

World control

Food for the rich and trash the poor

No wings for the wax no honey for the work

Their light is relentless

Blinding and no room for forgiveness

its just another word

Like duct tape

And a security for home

Home is not a land how can I claim something that I did not steal

Still its all just fragments

So low down

 Keep the motives hidden

so I lack trust when it comes to friends

And this mess I always find myself in

There is only one face to blame.

Bread and butter on a silver plate

Rather eat off the floor

So head turns away from gifts

nothing truly given.

More pleasure in pain than an easy existence

Hold my heart

No category to put me in.

I don’t need to fit in.

But my exists seemed to fit the doors of everyone else

And again I'm failing the only one that maters.

Giving up

But not the end 

a beginning I hope

Hurt in the way she still wants to see my smile

Broken in the way people are taking when I'm not open

Cash in hand empty pockets and a book that’s already been read

Roll the cigarette not the film

This is not for the masses.

Cant tell the friends these days

Shedding skin as I run and kill till its dead

Not looking for love

Hearts to break amends to make

Fate to escape

And a life worth living

Not leaving.

No eyes in the back of my head

But Ive been blinded

Heavy hearts over cleansed hands

an unforgettable mission

Escapism and self rebellion

Inside work needs to be done.

Out there it is the picture painted by half truth and first steps never taken

There was a smile one day and it was nice but beyond that

Nothing ever gets done.

a purple sky

the snow falls silently

tonight

there is a cover

from the head,

the weakness that plagues the heart

black and cold

a rattle to shake but no audience to stir

a key to hold

for a door with no lock

luck but nothing to throw it against

and its still

the way the world should be.

my breathing is shallow

and the fingertips are fading

to much pressure

give them something to hold

a knife

a pen

a heart

id kiss the sky if it would let me

someone just needs to let me in

mostly self and the walls get stronger each day

inches in the snow and hours are my enemy

i was told i had no time,

so i needed to take it

like the shit you gave

the money and the material

the maternal overbearing

the losses and the screams

built for a different day

not a better one.

maybe a better way to die

turn the snow red

freeze in the moment

focus on the last drifting flake

a gentle kiss from the sky as 

my eyes close and

the goodbyes need not be said

it will all be gone tomorrow.

the red and the white.

the yellow and the brown

the mistakes wont

the regret wont

she will be

i wont.

back down.

it can be just a part of that song
something you forgot
the sad line that makes it all worth while
or her smile in the dark
a light to keep shining
a hope to hold
something to follow for a while
it all gets tired so its useless.

tried and true but i still lie to the worst parts of you
they said ill loose my wants
never did i think though that i would need to forgive you
maybe forget that's easy enough,

i know how to replace addictions
so quitting comes slow
when nothing is faced.
try to greet the sun
and place down the moon shine.

i cry for the times i was wrong
calming the mind
is no easy task when there is no more room in the grave
who comes the closest
when her flesh will bleed at the slightest grasp
gripping to give but letting go to live
nothing so simple as that fading rainbow

never experienced uselessness
like being in that chair and watching my hands shake away everything.
hand full of pills and a mind full of a broken life
always a need for a fix just no need to repare or replace it

the bottom is rock
underneath that
its White walls and
florescent lights
vomit and sweaty piss.
half smoked cigarettes
sleepless nights and screams i
just pretend aren't mine
so if i die before I'm old
hold fast any ground you find that's true.

dont forget

these attractions are taking us over falling to the desires
and we dont help the home team anymore
worse we all expected it to be easier
we learned to complain before we learned to commit
so quitting was always an option.

no one ever said that building convictions the hard way was the wrong way.


But in the silence there is listening so shhhh

the sound of your own life its deffening you
you ignore it and drown it down through any noise,
I was forced to listen
some times there is no escaping the situation
so if you ever get to smile
let me know

man made

I'm laying low
no need to speak all actions have sounds
so my head rests in my hands
my nerves are shot again
but i learned not to complain
i like my problems only in the way that they are mine.

fake it till you fix it
better than till you make it
who does anymore anyway.

just a thousands steps away from taking the first
tucked away and your missing your moment
thick with the decisions but you look a little sick
like this heat doesn't bother you
but we are still standing here
who see you through
not me.

no game is fair
upon the board lay down true intentions
and you'll see with your own too that the threat is more than a win or loss.
inside we keep these crosses self made but strong enough that we rely on its weight
I stopped praying along time ago, but guilty of looking towards the sky and asking for understanding.
not just another one of those mother fuckers.
my talents begin with my giving everything i have
my fault is I am too aware when I'm loosing my grip.
forget the balance just over do it all
live in the consequences die in your own results


walls in the head,
pen and page
I'm talking everyone of you.

have yours

the chances don't come often
funny the understanding of a moment only comes after you've left it.
I am laughing because I don't turn right
survival mode.
no matter whats behind.

We all want to grow
come to some understandings.
but the girl
her thoughts about happiness
keep her away from
what really needs to be held
and its shrinking away at her feet.

so stay focused and be aware of whats in front of your shoes.
Thinking to much is like drinking to much its dangerous.
so the liver is clean he sobered up
but cant shut that mind off
just learning to live.

Does one understand happiness if they don't leave it. just once.
as you wouldn't understand pain until you've felt it in your  bones as they break.
from the California beaches to the mesas of New Mexico. just remember when it pours it rains.

check out

just trying to write
nothing in store for you but as the majority trys
the rest just fail into the endless gardens that don't produce.
no harvest
no bounty
so your labors fall to dry seeds
broken hands and a heart that doesn't know thanks.
i cant stay to focus my energy to the people that just take.
people will break before the system does.

get paid just enough to stay
work hard enough to not get fired
the balance
it haunts my dreams and fills my sleep
with twisted sheets and cold sweats
thoughts of a batter yesterday and a worse tomorrow.
you limited the limits as most don't come back from that line
once its crossed.

I keep my hands still, no gesture signed here.
someone gets the best of my love
and i cant keep smiles on all these faces
so dreams fail us in the quite nights

turn the lights

long and dry
most nights
miss sleeping in the grass so the sand works for now
im just a stranger
maybe a face youll see no longer
but we all look for that golden shore
so we keep movement
as something to move towards
one day it will be all new
just words creating another gap in the balance
seems to be always one sided
no matter the burden I have dropped
sure as the y in tomorrow
ill pick up another to carry.

so we are now used to seeing things get habitual
like
a heart beat.
the burns are hard to avoid
especially when you light fires everywehere you go
a pocket full of half smoked cigarettes and
a lot of forgotten thoughts ashed out.
right now its pain and desires
but
work is no an anchor as it seems the only thing i can hold
as fucked up as it is.

so i shift between
my hands,
my heart,
my head.
cant please them all.

deliver me

this is not OK but what about her unspoken anvils
heavy hearts
like her feeling something else than the sexual desires of strangers
its always the same thing.
A repetition.
so,
it has to end this way
while its still fresh with the warmth of life
what is death if it is not fresh.
soon this will be grey and cold and slowly forgotten piece by piece detail by noise.
but the frustration of spitting when i try to cough out the words i mean to say keeps me shaking as the moment is gone and the experience forgotten like the kites hung twisted on the wires melting in the heat of time.
we don't get to be better in the past
and all we do is invite walls into this wide open space.

6.9.14.5.

I'm ready to get rid of some of these bags
and rest my head, let myself sit
deliver the dead with a thanks

and maneuver around the rest.

misjudgment and a ton of bricks
some things hold weight without sight.
raw as the truth still gets ripped
but damn did tomorrow already play us
too busy worrying about that anchor to the past
your only line.

taking no simple direction but they said to follow your mind
once you've made it up
so i still have time and money to loose.
thank you for that.

where I belong

boiling thoughts heated by
sincere silence
play away from the guilty conscience
and just keep going when someone needs you
there is a position to be played
grab the pen and find yourself
sometimes its not just me
keeping myself short
but those tricks were learned along time ago
something unbreakable
there but untraceable
and reactions slow to come
the point was missed the hardship was not
so i carry fine tips now
ride softer
but that is just today
poems are not going to change anything.

cracked the foundation
in spiral and out of control
at least there is an order
still motion as trouble landed.
As the heart beats we flourish with a sickness and a hunger
to just go easier on self.
but never better thick skin
and weak nerves
we breathe shallow
afraid to see our stomachs grow
plenty of room
but the scars now are the only way to tell
a welcomed hell
we only live page to page.

order code

Salvation
a silent heart rattle
and empty bottles
they used to be full of a fix
but i broke myself
so the cure comes slow and without remorse.

in the mix
and usually one foot in one foot out
now that is commitment
its just a line
far from a step
were all wounded but we are walking.

its calculated
the grief and the glory
unknowingly you sacrificed the best parts of yourself to something that only took.

and we all drank sadly
so not much was noted.

misfit

Thin slivers of life
and drinks long ago forgotten
my heart tips.

I am farthest from your lips
now
and not even crossed finger tips can help.
your fault.
mine.


so the red light blinks and all the minutes start to shrink away.

maybe tomorrow will be the blame game.

for now its time to dodge some shame.

No wonder

sometimes this place gets kinda empty

put the past over head

a warning

but like my scars i embrace the

fact I forgot to not trust people

came out of hell thinking everyone

I met were saints.

Out live.

In this time and place
I fade.
Watching, waiting.

To give
only what my work offers,
enough, nothing.

But I cant rush thoughts
and I keep running from something.
You?
Me?

I try to find things to keep me on tract,
I know what I want,
I know this.

Just wish someone would tell me what I need.

The daily inspirations.
where do they come from?
when we choose to erase the time
that lets us be with ourselves.

Always more than enough to run from
so I juggle the impossible
I flounder in mediocrity
and I succeed in the the days that kings are born.

A pilgrim

foiled
crumbled up
no work here
this freedom they chase is not
reality.

The visions escape to a place built by the channels
that were not focused on.

a fake
advertisement that creates forward motion
it comes unexpected
except when we expect
so I keep my wants here warned.

Maintain to always overcome
who can I share this with
when all I have done
is make myself welcome.

Not by much.

arrange the fine sickness
that keeps this night young
pleading through this thickness of life

a slip in judgement
but there is always a top and bottom
the middle ground.

where we flourish.
where we disappear,

so we play fight
and kiss light
too much is heavy now.

Time again.

Skin deep now

a lesson in trying

too hard

you could be a first hand witness to

see progress work 

backwards.

clockwork wise

but how many missed steps you willing to

take.

great love but a greater distance,

this magnificence only lasts this life.

Start a new chapter.

Crown.

Merely moments
as peaks rise
than fall.

Like the horizons been seized and now
its time to look back and see.

Distance becomes clear only when you're far from me.

So I focus on the days light,
because in the dark
all faces change.
Playing my position till my hands bleed.

Trying with everything to stand beyond your knees.

I alone claim right to these forgotten
Thrones.

death

define
each
aching
truth
here.

A new

Talk the news

bleed the lies you choose but

you were always guilty of mistaking wolves for sheep,

you fell for that.

I helped create the trap

But I learn from my mistakes

let me fly.

the journey begins again.

Fanatical

Just want to be what I was destined to be
don't believe in destiny
but there is something that is just for me
maybe its this life
just like yours

So I try to take my breaths slowly now
for a reason now I can smile
the same I could cry for,

but listen to the prophets
they are silent now
and I don't know how to find them
anymore.

But for you
no action was a fast enough,
quickly leakage found its way to all your secrets
was a disaster hard to watch
as you tried to figure out what pieces you need to keep
like collecting cursed tokens,
you filled your pockets up with things that should have been left behind.

Circumstance and unfortunate findings at some point I think you'll
just stop.
all together.

Bought and sold for a bargain price.

Smile when they need you.

Its not like I'm waiting
but surly I am standing here for a reason.

She passed this way along time ago
back to basics,
of could have,
would have,
didn't.

Like saying goodbye and not meaning it
worse saying  I love you and than
not getting a chance to speak your mind.

No chance to go back.
react through simple pleasures,
tokens on taste buds of bitter
hearts
pleading through dead sleep and
driving on past the tears
today we escape the episodes
that keep us running.

Hell breaks loose.

Just a Pattern

Ferocious
facing facts that point faults
like hidden agendas
of war against yourself.

The silence catapults
the last truth here.

The position I stand now is familiar
too familiar,
blame it on my memory.

Distant and an overwhelming urge to be consistent.
In the love I give.

Compared to what I receive,
only a hand full.

only a chosen few.

I promised the faces I place faith in that
I will stop
pretending that the past is not real.

Not loosing.

Where I come from you cant run from your problems
it comes with a burden.
Soften,
but softer than the man who helped make me
and might always will be,

so we compare prospective
and we see
the differences in expressions
and similarities through destruction

Choose the same fate
that lets us decide which mistakes we could forget

The truth is now not hidden
the truth, there is nothing left to do from that point.

I carefully dialed the wrong number on purpose
just to see who was actually listening.

At A Stake

Celebrate here
because face are now familiar
the go to guy
but not in self as I practice
avoidance.

People take advantage
they are playing just to create a better day for themselves
cant blame them.
Help me help you.

but this is a one way street
you offer what I cant
I offer what you need
Its obvious we are going to bleed.

Perishing into purple clouds of predicaments
like a brave cry
before they finally take you down

We will stand until they burn us down,
this is a mystical misery
as I recall.

Boards

moving slowly now

the area does not turn black 

we try to stay away from the grey areas

trying to see things straight and keep them lit.

Lets put a mind forward able to make the right decision.

but we put everything to the grind

a mind numbing experience

and a quest for a dollar worth of effort

no stress

but the darkness

keeps me nauseous

So we start to wait for something better as we continue to stay right were we are.

the world is burning out the window 

and now it seems we live in a perfect world 

no complaints 

because we are doing what we are supposed to. 

have to pay for the right to stay here.

so we save for the boards that keep the rest out.

A personal sacrifice ridden of its faults by past convictions

but the respect was paid along time ago

like homage

signs of different time

one of the first things we all learn is how to fall.

stopped drinking away the pain

it was all so simple

so we can waste this night 

I'm this way because who I was before was not working.

10,11

OK so real quick the Holidays came and went and a new year is here and for me to put things into prospective would be a bit too cliche being that its already the 12th of January but I do know where I went wrong last year and none of it was life threatening. That is a good thing. But  I know what I need to do this year to make it productive. That is what I want for myself this year is productivity, or at least movement towards the things that I love and that I am good at. The other is to Explore, one of the most important I am here now in Cali and that I can call it home but there is nothing like traveling, being away and I look forward to that as soon as its gone. It was a great year and its bound to be another good one. I look forward to sharing my time with everyone and thanks for all the memories. I just felt that I needed to say something about the last 365 before i just started writing again. But the poems will come.

So here we go 2011.