Paper blanks

This is a poem that was shared to me a long time ago by two dear friends. One whom I still talk to the other I have no Idea if she is even still alive. I do not know the Author but I will put it in quotation marks for respect purpose.

"Did you tackle the trouble that came your way, with a resolute heart and cheerful
or hide your face from the light of day with a craven soul and fearful.
Oh a troubles a ton or a troubles an once or a trouble is what you make of it.

It isn't the fact that your hurt that counts but only how did you take it
so your beaten to earth, well, well whats that.

Come up with a smiling face.

Its nothing against you to fall down flat but to lie there that's disgrace
the harder your thrown the harder you'll bounce.

Be proud of your blackened eye
it isnt the fact that your beat that counts its how did you fight and why

an though your be done to earth
what than,
if you battled the best you could, if you played your part in the world of men
why the critic call it good.

Death comes with a crawl or comes with a pounce and whether hes slow or spry
it isn't the fact that your dead that counts
but only how did you die?"

Well wish

I have to put it to rest
left to let some things stay alone
but I cant drink my breakfast anymore
so I look for things that still break fast.

Its real here and I cant pretend like I don't care anymore
Silence as it stays cold but its nice to see my own breath battle
playing favorites when it comes time to choose
like I already know who is willing to stand behind me

In my hands I see the emptiness
Guess they couldn't be down for forever
at times they held way to much
Like my bookshelf or that self made cross
but the game I played wasn't fair.
So it only means right that I lost.

Still I will not loose my grip
but I have to stop taking things forgranted before they are all gone
Its like I have to make sure this is all worth it
the fight for balance
Or the people that I will sacrifice for
 I still don't know all the exact measures so it wont hurt when she doesn't recognize the levels.

This is just a breakdown to a page that has no right to talk back
its alright cause I have seen the light.

So I at least know what it looks like.

Tough Blood

I learned to make my self smile the wrong ways
still have that twisted sense of humor
cause I know what its like to cut corners
don't have to
but hate to pass up any opportunity
especially when its the easier way out

These are what will be my fault
a fleeting glimpse of all the things that should have could have would have DIDN'T.

I don't mean to be complaining
this is not that at all

Life is a tall order for any of us to keep
some stay untouched
some never get a chance
few have the idea
even more have no idea

I know my blessings they are not from what you think
They are from Family, Friends, hard work a bit of tough luck and and a hell of a lot of good luck.
So I count them on the  daily
One thing that I wont take forgranted.

is death.

Problems

I don't drink, wont, cant, not yet
I don't use
I still abuse
myself.

I have that gift to be tough on myself
some one has to be.

Hands still shake
The heart rate is usually in a race and that fucker hates to loose
so the pace is a pressure no one should keep
I have too
bagged down eyes

Thinking to much
only makes circles that you will get lost in,
cant solve everything alone
no stopping though

where is the peace

Just another piece
missing

Ear plugs

Haven't you been listening

salvation

A world a way.

Lets see

All these shakes and screams
something to pull on

Rarely does sincerity come common
but still life is still life
empty belly and a needle in hand

Just a vision in the mirror

The sheep don't come here
they have found greener pastures
so I don't count on them.

Selfishly falter cause I cant watch another slaughter

Senseless
trying to make sense

What could be better than that.

I had a feeling

while you sleep,
when your working, doing what you got to
just a note
inch by inch

I know you don't think of me


I fight in silence cause that is where the heart is
trying to get you a chance to see my views

broken or not I don't turn my back

You just think since I don't do what you do
I am not right in the mind

I am not that fucking blind
no place to hide when your locked in your mind

I am not to be taken lightly.

Discuss the distrust as I roll with broken shoulders
I wont sleep

I don't get drunk anymore and wake up in strange places

I find the ones who need the heart beat.

All the same

Its a pity more than half of us wont make it
through to see the next page.

Crippling statistics
we fail to rise above their pre-determined fate

For me I have seen it first hand
to many to count who I no longer know if their hearts still beat?

But gradually it becomes worse
no feeling of a brand new the whole world is against you

an incomprehensible feat

The distractions are there for a reason
no one wants to see the real overcome

So they dull the senses and when help is needed its not their problem

But you are their problem

Like I am yours

Damage

Fight for balance
and hope for the chest
testing for the stress
and still feeling like I have never given it my best

Trying to not to loose ground while making my way through
Got to get up to get down
only to find my face in my palms

to quick to put off that fist
and that blood its normal

So stop the worry.

My best shoes

Will you release me
your grip has gone from deadly to ever present and still forceful
to hanging on enough to still be enticing
like what you have to offer is better than anything that I will ever see.
do you feel important now?
hows it feel to have puppets to order around
my freedom is visible but you hang there like a winter coat that's been forgotten.

I love you in a place where there is no space and time
that's my biggest secret.
I feel ill be lucky to find that quality ever again.
Ill take my anger to death
How loyal do I have to be.

I know that answer though
one of the only few that I do.

That if I go back
I will still have no control over you,
and eventually you will win seeing me to an early and sorry grave.

Fuck you

But I will never forget all the good you brought to me so let me rethink that sentence,

Thank you but fuck you very much alcohol,

your forever
friend

Sage.

Lay down

Rocks in the way and nothing to soften the blow
there was hate in the wind so I held my breath before I let you go.

Sat in your drive way and got lost in what it used to be,

So willing to finally picture it perfect.

Guess I trained hard to keep things the same. even though they slipped out from under me .This wasn't happening and everything would be fine............Eventually.


Right like that will work, like those stains on your lip will just disappear
or those scars on my wrist aren't there, just under the ink. But most wouldn't know.

Oblivious to the pain that keeps the days fading a loveless fasination
hardly...............

Somethings just don't change.


One day all those strings that keep the pieces together will be cut
Than what.

her

She says "You think to much."

What Key

I sit here away from everything
and when it becomes all to familiar it starts to fade away from what is real.

So I lay on my back looking to take tomorrow

but the missing pieces keep that door closed

So I am just a product of my surroundings
hidden from the rest of the world
mostly its hidden from me and I'm accountable only to the convictions that keep me in place.

IN place to be stuck

same song that keeps the breath in
but where would I be without all of you. and especially her.

This is my greatest downfall
my only guarantee
and if you don't know what it is you will when I walk away.

I'm not trying to get you down
I just don't have the pateintce

See I have a problem and its life and everything else was just self abusiveness.

Laughing at all of you

I liked it better when it wasn't safe like this.

Seems like everything I touch now I have support

Back than the things I held the most pushed people the furthest away

a nervous disorder

a crushing depression that will continue to be my hardest lesson

The shakes that mimic the first fatal mistake

I can still recreate the past and just like than its a separating source

I guess that's right and wrong a visible disposition.

A fever dream but I awake and its all to familiar

Talking to myself and still going crazy but they told me that I wasn't alone.

Who else is HERE?

Desperate to feel alive

I cant find replacements and those old highs were to high I guess.

At least the lows brought changes and a chance.

Bet to not take Back

A fresh beginning
it took a while to get here and I have been here before
but just like love and hate sometimes I cant really tell the difference
so when I need to find fault I look at my reflection.

I moved away from the place that held the majority of my pain,
It was obvious enough that I would carry it with me
but a constant visual reminder would be the finish.

I needed a start.

A full circle so I try to play my part when it comes to saying sorry.

Back than you said it was because we were young and to not feel so bad.
I wish I could sleep with an excuse like that, but than again I never really found an excuse nor a reason so I guess its better than nothing.
like you were.

Sad.

That's the truth.
But I will walk to the grave with a lot of this mess and I'm still in my twenties.
See I found the peace that helps to forgive not seeking it from other eyes except the ones I look through thats the hardest part of this is trying to forget.

Never will.

My mind races and I wish I could erase it,
cant train it away but too late to change.

Just deal
just deal
just deal

Oh its madness you say to bet on these odds
I forgot that you take chances pass going to bed with me.

Open Eyes

There is a future
I made it another day and I count it a victory as soon as I lay my head.

So I look at tomorrow as something to take
I can focus towards it with a nervous ambition.

Like the next drink would always cure the shakes.

Not always safe with me but I try,
eyes have been dry to long
I cant figure how the break downs work anymore.

Succeeded in taking it all apart but lost interest in putting it back together.
Got good at leaving things a mess and walking away with a calm content.

Now its all just a freezing anxiety of round corners and flat circles,

Haven't even made it to the point of accepting that I need to accept.
A sticky situation but Ill die for happiness which means I'm full of shit cause its a lost commodity.

More than half my life lost to sacrifice
common stories but the avenues lead to dead ends.



In came the income and out went true work.
When its put in jeopardy the fools play the game
they just didn't know that all the cards were the same.

See after the bridges stopped burning I picked up what was left and still found away to get across.

There is no POINT

nothing now is a quick fix
and I wont find god because I don't like looking for things that aren't there.

like those pink elephants.

So I reach for the bottles I cant hold anymore and realize
ill be alone like this as long as I can keep the line straight.

More than I like to admit depends on this straight line.

Too many directions and I cant make up my mind so it is helpful like advice that's asked for.

Mental slavery the broken side of bravery and the faded scenes that still hang around to keep my sleep unsteady.

I focus on whats important and lose sight of what really matters
collateral damage and the speak becomes twisted like the days her smile doesn't register.

Burn in a better way

Its all so short
only making it half way through
nothing more than a marking place
but there is credibility at the half.
everyone pays what they owe eventually


Who wants to measure my eyes when no one else dares to see through them

A distorted point of view
as no one listens to my actions
I feel the chiseling effect slowing as the down comforter signifies all the safety nets that now surround me.

Fear does funny things in people
and when I fail it seems a lot of people fail like they are standing on my edge trying to make sure that I don't slip and when I go we all go.

That is not my fault.

I hold on but only to the rhythm of life even when I cant keep the beat it still rattles on my tongue and bounces through my veins.

People come and people go.
I understood that along time ago

So I go in directions that I cant compass and become a first hand witness to people who become materials themselves.....

To be...
used,
tried,
loved

and than forgotten.

Its the cause of the highly improbable.

Inpromtu but my biggest problem now is you.

and you look my direction for answers,
when I cant sit through the day with the patience it takes to see the sun and the moon.
to much to consume.

Been to long sense my last step backwards but you're to good to hurt.

So right now when the fate comes calling I'm going to live for myself even with a conscience that's heavy with other peoples agendas.

li(f)e

This is the stuff of real life.
a slow dance by myself.
not even on a good night.
I need to learn to live on less.

Nobody fears the lows they just fear the climb back up.

A sense

Memories of what a home was.
But I cant figure out if it gets better than now?

She said why would you want to start over?
Just stuck between wanting to regret that I did than regret that I didn't.

Maybe my luck will be better else where.

Funny when time adds, seems to fast to grasp and when the questions cant be answered it seems I would need the patience of a lifetime just to see things out.

An old soul struggling, alcohol is a part of me just like she will be with me until the end.
Secrets and truth as all my life can be found in loose leaf.

Never able to forget but determined to forgive with a sense of humiliation.

Once in a while the shadows will slip my mind and the days go by with ease so I let them slide.

What pulls you through can you share some with me?

I don't want to die waiting... but I know now that if I don't do what needs to be done I will die wanting but I guess it all just plays fair.

Redemption and salvation as peace becomes something you see not something you feel.

People don't learn from their mistakes.

Now everything seems out of tune nothing new.

There is a selected few who have to deal with this as I do and I am grateful...

In debt to those who understand a bit of me
some days they know me better than I know myself.

Stability in a room that wont stop shaking.

Are you feeling guilty yet?

clorox

Compassion on a different level
When I cant fight my own feelings all I can do is laugh
A hidden weapon
I am better when I am at my worst
When I am at my best I don't want to be there
So I stay shallow to fit in.

Crushing up the weight but keeping the amount correct
Sometimes things need a change in prospective.

I do...

I need to see things.

More to feel them.

I don't always trust my gut and my heart has led me to places where screams are the language.

I fight being here, so I don't settle.
A silent heart finds stability in simple whispers.

So i speak loud and keep my heart beating,
beating,
beating ,
so I don't have to strain to hear.

I have seen time go by fast and in the mirror the changes are becoming obvious,
not so obvious is it..........

The way I think.

Just sink....