new

so this is the deal 

lawfully intended to focus all your intentions past me

because I cant have you look through me,

not now,

not ever.

i can feel enough from far away

10 feet does not apply

we chase miracles not dreams

spinning webs and saving tires

we say love but we mean need,

not now,

not ever.

how can you actually tell if someone is on your side

when you cant even be on your own.

like a lost cause you have no cause to be lost for.

so you ask for gold and expect the world,

but yet you give so little.

smashing dust and cleaning rocks

a movable mountain

fragments of life

and a spiritual disconnect.

As a person

twisted left the fellow
but the leaves fall only when the wind blows
casualties
but we miss the conception when the face of god is desecrated
are you willful or just full of will
not a question of how but when
will this be all empty

star searching for the stars that shine even though they are already dead
behind my head
and between your legs
there is some dedication
we will call this one dear,.... love.

got to start somewhere
no ignorance with out pain
the flunks and failures
are forever preserved
a plot full of lessons ready for digestion.

fading
from the light no lime need be added
was not to high a horse
so i just got on.

Cover me up

lethal in creating wounds while I'm covering up your old ones
let the page do the talking
cause it was empty before the rage.

lend me a dream so I can excuse the pain today

You are saying now more
when both shoes are off
than you do when
your hand is in my mouth

time to shed some eyes
not tears
and just look away.

Its a long road
there is no turning back,
so we fight for the chance to feel alive
and keep a chance so we can go home.

Reamain

teach us.
am I lacking spirituality?
some would say,
but is because they are jealous
that my knees wont touch the ground
for any other man than my own father.

I don't believe in the things they have built,
for in the world they have taken for granted
and
I am out finding what is left
like hoping for a sign of life
though the rubble is usually empty piles
of material goods no longer holding
the mirage of prestige.

I know in the underground I find what needs
to be kept alive
kept away from the hands of the masses.
the protection of what is real is a must.

I am not built to take advantage
of friends,
family or
foes,.
but I have learned along the way how to be raw
and I keep these skills hidden,
only to lash out when I get sized up the wrong way.

I am built to be sufficient in everything that is asked of me.

Check out

I cant avoid the dangers,
that keep my heart alive.
If I love and I am not afraid than
truly I have loved.

The surface tensions break dreams,
we cant collapse now.
This pressure will be here.
We can call it time for an instant.

Don't love a substance
that takes you away from
the present and the future
or
erase the chance to,
let the self hatred be in the past.

digestion with straight eyes a must.

Some places,
even in yourself can be dangerous.
so we let the rain plain off the
the pane we call our windows.

There is a night that we can sleep tight
lets be loose this one
I know I will see you in my dreams

Dream

Not meant to be more than what I am
but I know I am not yet me

I am,
on the track, making the rounds
completing those circles
mapping out those squares.

Defining the purpose of my life.

laughter and love
sunshine and snow
salt and water
a skateboard and a girlfriend.
a page and a pen.

We celebrate the fact perfection cannot be found
here
we sacrifice for each other
we love now like the past was only good to us.

money

space
easily filled
when needs give into pleasure
a simple gesture
no regret

force the close
when the capital forgets the people
we loose here daily
count the money to keep feeling alive
when the debt of death comes
no amount of green backs will suffice.

its always an open hand.
fuck you pay me.

One of us

dreams realized are dreams gone

repeat

the actions of perseverance.

Move forward

not all faces smiling 

can be trusted.

See we play the positions needed,

sometimes the regret happens 

before the deed.

So when dinner is set

sit down.

Anymore

So we can build
but the best parts are watching this break
like a false understanding
we fail to communicate
how do I describe this to you
when your best part is that you just over look.

scraps and glass
once fragments of a whole
still a whole lot of life to give
more to live
so we sit standing.

We let fear here steer nothing
these are calculated
cold,
manipulated
and correct
misconceptions
of the way we should die.

Convictions are not to be tested
if you don't know the history
you should learn
few things teach you more than the past.

Don't take advantage of me
my friendship is not a weakness
and don't think I forgot how too cut throats.

For me its easier to walk away
than it is to stay
but you know
Three years and counting,
I'm working on it.

Down to dealing

Cold,
a stones throw away from me
but blessed with the blankets I call sobriety
fake it to make it
but its the same
as even the dentist keeps gum in his pocket
but the blemishes
of friction keep the castles grinding down to the dirt
nothing last forever
and its easier to say bye to a love than it is to keep it
so we focus
toward the sun set
another dead day
so lets bring the night in
with nerves of steal.

But it is

Existence finally

finally

found me,

these old wounds never felt so good

so I stay with 

rolling on 

keeping to the rules

that life

has taught

me.

Like a ship

never true too sink

or that moment

you thought was gone 

but it waited for you

just seconds

the right place at the right time

always

so it seems

so it should be

LABELs

push past this plastic
like the
remedies were made to actually
hold us from the truth of real sight
this tangled mess is what we breathe for

cant keep the control
wouldn't if I could
some if not all things should be left to the tides
like the wounds ripped away
what would you be
if you couldn't remember your suffering

the strength today is between the ears
so we sit in silence
my favorite sound
the echos of it
I wake to chase
like the days Budweiser was breakfast
no faster way to break
self reliance

Straws for arms

Out of the dark
in to the morning light
where we will be alright
cold and shivering
hungry and
nerves wasted
wasted by
giving the best parts of ourselves

to

people that will be nothing more than missing.
not a lie to say
that I wont remember your name
but I wont forget your story
makes me think what you would look like when you cry.

but the pain that comes today
goes away
we are always homeward bound

I
I
I  want this more than life

don't let people eat your soul
like tape your own mouth shut
we all have to work
but we don't have to work against ourselves
might as well be your self standing in your shadows shadow.

not a scarecrow here.

Broke skin

Catch me with one hand in my pocket
a lonely miracle
on my knees praying with my fingers crossed.

The streets push the one track minds down the one way street
so I keep walking against the flow
keeping contact eye wise
with those brave enough to look into my tunnel of vision.
basically its the same
skin and bones
looking to shed some clothes and climb some fences.

Get up and get out
but somethings are done just to show movement
so its a pattern
one after the other,
than repeat
just don't make the fatal mistake
of fading the days the same way.

Dull
a quick reaction can sever
the last true one standing
I know how far I have to reach
but I keep it close enough away to
let it watch me build with out it.

An open hand
covered wounds
and hidden talents
keep the silence
it will keep the mind at ease

so what if we please ourselves
there are points when that is even difficult to do
so use praise with caution
too much can stop the wind.

Things blow away for a reason
don't let the false truth be the season

Transmission

That beat that keeps the light lit
no matter if I am right or wrong
this is my predicament
so I fight to watch these stars fall.

Something in my spine
like I know this is the road that's less traveled
only a moment
that's all we get here
a matter of time
lost in this matter of life
and some where back there
crossed the line
so I will stay on this side.

With you and her.

Holding on to each other
like memories that are fading right in front of us
People are worth the sacrifice,
something has to be worth
worth what I can give.


Now it seems that ill fumble my tongue
as I stumble with lies
cant figure out why
guess the truth is just a plain picture.
its something we can all understand.

so lets understand each other tonight
keep it all in view
and watch the sun and moon fight.

Keep a cage

Test,
Rest,
Guess

than a sad letter
but we will always struggle to make this lettuce taste like cheese.

You should meet me
meet me at the breakdown
to give these pages something more than
sweat and blood.

The angles in my head
no sound to shake a song off
but
the bricks here are built with only sand and water
what else do you need.

Fresh endive and cross contamination
a picture perfect disaster
read less shit
buy a dictionary
and sing for me cause I will never keep a canaries in a cage.

Value

Its starting to unfold
like all my actions were right
even at my very worst.

The thirst is still there,

So the time to drown must be delayed
like the building of the cross
sometimes all tomorrow will bring is a burden.

Live for the day that you are alive,

So I keep a close eye on my footprints
remembering to look back
to see where the Hell I came from.

In Line

rebuilding those walls
these laughs need to echo
not just for sound but as a reminder,

like oh ya that's right laughter
how could I forget.

than the shell opens again
and you see the way people force the day to move.
It will turn no matter what you do,
the natural flow has been forgotten
for granted and lost.
To many take advantage.

A big race to that certain finish
as the fools acquire mounds of material
I keep an eye on my harvest
cause when it comes time to count in
I know what really gets weighed.

Over paid and over paid attention too
the most of you are.

So I walk

like two left shoes and some big black bruises
this,
this,
is MY pleasure cruise.

12 dollars extra

Basically,
the black shadow still haunts my page
so to keep it white plain and empty like the average American would be a shame.

Hard to live with
so surely now the words seem so far away
the passion has
gone down to nothing. So If I figure out the end before anyone else does...

I will do what I can
but what more can I do now,

what more?
spell something?
but its still 12 dollars
still.

Flowing, the blood is just,
not over cautious
but cautious over you
so we dig,
plaguing our hands with a time different than this
But the thought process is moving
producing a non balanced bitch.

Its alright

I do what we all do,
I create
but you know
I am not talking about bringing another life in here.

I read and I'm not talking about the lies they print
to keep the majority of us under a fist of iron fear.

I listen and I am not talking about the advice you wish to give
it took a while but I'm comfortable in my own skin.
but its alright because there is beauty in the breakdown

So I watch the cast of the shadows
filling the empty sand,
the magnitude of silence
sits in front of me
and when the chance to feel small comes

I take it.

I just hope we all finally realize before its too late.

The beat

Equal
the divide when the situations
separate innocence and the speak easy greed.

But how quick does the mold form,
been working on my own,
hopefully when the last missing piece is found I will understand.
like a bad game of pictionary,
some how I got it.
Finally.

But thats the point
the hour glass tips
so lets,
spill the sand.

Hold your own ground.

Istanbul

Some shots from the time I spent in that amazing place.

how you keeping score

I can feel it
as my shadow runs with me
that we are leaving it far behind,


The weight of investing in things that break to easy,
like people,
has trickled out the hole in my  pocket
and right now I don't have any room for the fake.


So I take my bread and count my scars elsewhere
because some just want it all,
I have to now disagree,
and force you to not be lonely with out me.

I as in me

I broke my shoulders
than I let them heal to make them stronger.

I shattered my heart, just to see how it felt,
picked the pieces up and placed them on my sleeve,
like a warning I wear it.
Beware I lived like an addiction.

I blurred my vision,
so when it came time for insight
I knew the way I needed to see.
Straight.

I let my blood hit the floor,
to understand sacrafice,
to see what loyalty looks like.

I followed,
just to see where they where going.
Saw it than turned around and ran.

If we are all going no where I want to go my own way.

I trusted to know pain,

I wasted myself to feel my brain bleed,

I drank because I had too.

I know what it means to scream.

I lead because I wont settle.

I put scars on my hands
to understand labor pains,

I rode a skateboard,
to fall in love.

I write because I have too.

I smile,
because I know my escape.

I smoke to settle the nerves.

I make friends so the people that I do things for are not always strangers.
and the people that do things for me are not always strangers.

I forgive because it was myself that needed it.

I forgot because somethings I just cant remember.

I cook because it brings people together.

I read to help me listen.

I love you because it quiet's my cravings.

One up but six ways down

Floating on,
passing the scene
as I become just another face that will never be seen again.

Have a nice life.

I feel I am making the most.

I know the cost, I just cant make it anymore obvious that I am willing to pay.
like the first in line yesterday,
I will be here expecting only the unexpected,
and excepting nothing more than what my hands can build.

We can work the opposite path too,
I know the ways,
but in this nothing stays,
a place most wont come back from and
with those same hands,
slowly take apart life from the inside.

But in my head
in my heart,
in my soul
That was my limit.
The whole point of that,
was to get me here.

So I am going to stay,
For a better place,
for a better way to fall.

I got lucky more than once,
So I like to think now about the self destruction
and digest a piece of hell, as I remember it.

I know where my destination is

Please,
bring me to the places that people no longer consume,
like a hidden life
away from the blades and microscopes.

Take me away from the days that have been made a joke.

City,
after city,
hord after way to many faces,
the time to turn has come and now I look home for the light.

Another border

No air moving tonight,

the clouds glow in the pale moon light

and stale smoke fills the room.

Chances to grow,

left to roam,

just to see how well I can do on my own.

The best part about this is there is an end somewhere.

So I want to spend my time living and laughing,

falling and crashing,

getting up,

because the Sun also rises.

lets face the days and fill them not with mediocrity,

but with unknown's, that make us flourish. 

New Mexican Beauty Queen

She dances like the candel light,
tonight she is in my mind,
like I know I will stay sober,
but its not over.

She is far but I can turn around a find that cold road home,
holding a black rose
hoping,
we can continue
to laugh at the rest of the world.

No dick in the sand,
cant say fuck the world.
I have a girl,

somehow played my cards right
but its more like I fell in her lap,

like the broken soul that I was
she helped put back the pieces,
letting me be me along the way.

It was consequence that fate found us

was no road that led,
no book to be read
no fortune needed

Just two, two many drinks
a dedication to survival,
and a hope that there was life after that.

Covered in turquoise,
and purple silk she calls my name,
expecting nothing more than what I already am.

The scars on my hands are testament of my holding on,
but I will let them burn before I let her go,
somethings are just worth holding on to.

This is no material love
this is not for bubble gum and cats with no mouth,
this is for all the opportunity to shine.

Street Walker

So many eyes meet

keep my own straight and fast 

people become obstacles,

time to make it past,

no sympathy for the careless,

tie the shoelaces

to arrive carefully

than cut the losses.

picture perfect.

The silence is shaping up

nothing to soften the blow,

So,

you said that you would, 

you could

but you wont,

so you don't

and now you cope in the wrong ways.

We cant kill the silence when its comfortable

magically we learn to build up off of broken foundations

like its too soon to start the retreat.

A pigeon girl

Such a timid love,

a false understanding of what feeling is,

like cutting your wrist because its what the cool kids do,

go find something original.

Break your heart first than tell me about love.

Do you understand that line?

Such a young soul

a surface survivor,

your time is spent collecting what comes up from under you,

you speak words

but that is all the are,

for you lack the history 

and you wont stay convicted.

How am I to believe you have depth

you say you know the darkness,

But child dusk is not the dark,

live a year sober before you talk to me about sacrafice

I am sure you have problems sleeping, I would too if I was you.

You need to learn to loose before you can play the game too win,

see some bottoms and stay there a while,

watch some dreams slowly slip from your fingertips

before you say this life is hard.

Stop trying to relate too me,

Its I that comes down to your level remember that.

No poet to me,

I got it,

dig six feet deep put one foot in that hole  and see how high you can stand,

from there,

rely on a substance to get you through the day,

than talk to me about faith and  god.

See your loosing your painted colors nothing true here.

Flesh

Ready,
not like yesterday.
But flushed with time as it starts to escape.
I watch it leave me.

So I am ready like tomorrow,
because todays my chance,
to escape the visions of seeing those bottoms.

Sometimes weariness can break bones,
but the mind builds hope strong enough to crush the fear your heart created.

So its a time bomb
Place that plot to create the real meaning of existence,
bring those collisions that wake us up.

Sister

How long have you been standing next to me

Have you been there this whole time?

You have!

Well why is it that you are standing next to me and not me next to you.

I thank you for never leaving me, never loosing sight of my hand.

What would I do with out you?

Some dark places, we share in that as well like breaking bread that cant be eaten.

But such in this passage of time I suddenly followed the signs and I came to you.

Like this whole journey was just to realize that I will always be coming back home to you.

From the heaven I have had to the hell you've been through.

I am better than I was before, 

sorry for what I have done,

for if I ever hurt you, let you down, 

It was not meant to break you.

and I will never again let you down!

You are stronger than I could ever be,

Like a brand new friend I have the will to show you

how important you are too me,

It will be me standing next to you

and when I have held your hand long enough

when the sweat and lack of blood becomes too much

We will finally stand together holding each others hands

like look ma! 

Look what I have found.

I want you to meet this amazing person I have fell in love with................

Oh wait you know her, she's your daughter and she is my sister and you are the mother.

We are each others so lets just all smile and laugh at how beautiful this family is.

Come on into this circle of love dad.

Autumn you are comfort by my side.

A man with a name but his horse was on wheels

Roam,
because you must.
There is not a way from this
for you.

I know you have curtains,
like all the rest of us.
But at some point you thought the show was over and
you tied those curtains closed.

The knot is strong and it makes no sense.

So find a way to open those curtains,
the show must go on
and we are all your audience.

This audience has no room for judgement
remember we are scared that you might judge us.

So we see eye to eye
both you and me.
We are humans.
Heart and hands, shit and laughter.
Blood and lungs.

People do judge and for this I am sorry,
Its what they do not understand that gets punished.
So remember to keep your mind open,
your heart brave and your wheels turning.

I am with you along the way,
remember balance,
Its the essence of life, of the world that you see.
Up or down.

You are the star in this balancing act, this tight rope walker, you,
You the rider of the world.........

I say come home when you have seen enough.

I say don't ever stop.

I say I know how to ride a bike too,

I say to you please write, write, write, write.

I say salvation.

I say if you cannot understand your photos
shoot one of yourself because I doubt that you will understand that one as well.

and that is OK.

That is the point. Understand that you don't understand.

Than continue,

So shoot, capture the moments because Leigh you will never be where you are again.

Peace be with you my friend

safe travels.

GSNM

Bring the movement
make me sore
make my feet ache
lets put holes in the bottom of our shoes together.

Feed my stomach,
but first feed my soul.

Show me what you are willing to expose
and I will soak it all in,
for your beauty is unmatched
and only a fool would turn away from you.

The muscles in my face hurt,
learning to smile alone takes only patience.

I am not the most patient man but I have learned to wait.

No easy task,
was not meant to be.

Its the definition of our backbones, life will create strong shoulders, or it will crush them.
I am under this weight and I am holding strong.

Give Strength New Meaning.

Please

Progression, we must move forward as the new area of definition comes. It is not what we were or what we have done this is about who we are becoming. Its what we are doing that should define us for I will not judge you from the halls you have come from but I will measure you for the distance that you are willing to go. Walk with me because I am ready to take the next step.

Strong Hands

The city below calls to me,
as the hot air from my breathe can be seen rising in the cool German air,
here in this land great destruction was born.
As I ponder the remains of this,
I can only see the work of time as it eventually will heal everything.

We have to give time...time.

Alone

Its a thing that I do spend time alone, thinking wondering about life, my actions the opposite and equal sides of both left and right, but I find that wanting to change the past leaves no room for the life that you now live, for I would not change a thing. It is nice to feel that I have overcome the darker days, for even now as I am alone they have not come to visit and I have not been expecting them nor am I  in waiting.  Change its the substance or our realities a fast pace movement that we must accept. So as I travel through Europe I find that I can escape to my mind to digest what I see, what I hear, what I taste and appreciate my own definition as the world comes to me, do you ever wonder if this is all for you?
It feels like it.
 I am sitting in a room that is a welcome luxury and a quite nights rest and a warm shower and a bed that below it is not a drunk Irish man or a dorm fool of football fans who came in late to only wake the entire hostel up wit their celebration songs. This is life and I love it for every instant makes who we are who we become.

I have stories that will be with me forever and I have been on this journey only a week.

I also know that I Write to the page it is my resting place, I have turned to this since I my heart was bleeding for the escape, I only want to say if it be seen by the eyes it is meant for I appreciate all of you who are in my life as of now for each of you make my life rich, full of love and laughter.

Today I live for this and only this.

Friends and family. I love all of you.

Heading for the Rails.

The awareness of time as the sun light starts to creep in.

The foul odors float around as sheep in the night call to their shepards.

Fast approaching the time to move,

more life to live in four days than some will see in fifty years.

I know the distance.

We all manage the microscopic images that we call our dreams

by making moves to the normal realities,

So much to prove 

Money will never by time

But the window frames the outside world keeping us at bay

thats why they call it window pains.

u of s of a

I understand the importance more and more of the place that I come from, it takes going away to appreciate the things you have. It is a sad trick that we must play on ourselves but I know that it is better to know and find out what really is important than to always be taking for granted the way we live and love in the states. I assume to know nothing now except for what already exsists in my heart. There things are safe. Its a sacred place. This is about finding the appreciation for what I have for who I have and for who I am.
We have it so good. Don't we?!

A pest in the city of Buda

A new place

Budapest. I am here in the warming hours of the morning thinking of where I am and what it is that I must do for myself here.  As the non stop second hand smoke continues to creep in from outside.  It seems to never stop and the poor ventelation is the only answer for the heat and dryness on the inside where my bed lays. So its a sacrafice, shut it all down so the smoke wont crawl in or deal with it because for me, the heat is not meant to be slept in.  Hostels are a place where humans are forced to close contact with strangers this is when a fart, a cough, a zipper, a language not known to wanting ears can easily scratch at the little patience that you have. But they are cheap and they teach that not all the world can travel in luxury and most of the world cant travel at all so I am thankfull for the roof I have, the toilet, the bed and the shower.Traveling and staying in hostels has forced my own needs to the forfront of how my day moves. I can say that I will knock the back of your seat if you smash into my kness, I can say if you were loud when you came in drunk from the night, I will be loud in the morning as I get my thoughts and things together. I can say that if you smile I will smile. I can say that if you want to talk to me I will talk to you. I can say that if you show compassion I will share in this with you. I can say that I will eat what you put on my plate with out hesitation. I can say that I will make mistakes....over and over. I can say that I will laugh at myself so please laugh with me. I can say that I will forever watch my back so do not think you can take advantage. the one thing that I will say is that this is the world that we live in we are all a part of this whole, I am here cutting through it finding the pieces that catch my heart and eyes and I am putting those aside until I am ready to share all of of it with you.

So lets be patient beacuse at some point we are all patients.

I cant even start to put Istanbul in words, let alone Turkey or the people the inhabit this special place. I have been welcomed by fellow travelers as well as locals, here I feel very comfortable. This is a hard place to leave and I have only been here three nights. In the days that I did have I reached peaks that continue to come.

Find the bull

So here I am in Instanbul eating a breakfast of yogurt,granola,a type of cheese,bread and jelly and of course cucumbers. Unfortunatly I had slept the entire leg of the trip from Munich to Istanbul and in doing so I missed what would have been my dinner. So the breakfast this morning is doing what it is supposed to be doing breaking the fast. Last night I filled my lungs with smoke and my viens with water sitting outside just taking it all in. The journey here was long but this is just the begening. People get so comfortable where they are and to break that zone becomes harder and harder. I feel that travel breeds trust.
I can only think of all the people that I had to trust to make sure that I got here right now to this breakfast nook in Instanbul.
Thats a solid test on humanity of course there will be times that my trust has been taken forgranted. But to count the losses in travel is to count losses in everything else you do and you will not see the side that distributes the best experiences of your life.

So I am here on my own will. young, alive, healthy and happy.

whatever it is that drives this I am here with an open heart and an open mind.

off to see what I can see.

picture the dream

speak easy when the flock all follow the fold.
slipping to find that ground to stand
something here is worth everything of me.
it's time finally to give.

ending up with pockets full of distance
distracting the disposition between near and far.

close to the reality as the world continues to spin too fast.
images that stay need to be digested like a fan that only blows hot air in the heat.

we work against ourselves.

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No Cents At All

Blackened by the smoke and the distance still left to go
fortunate for the findings cause sometimes they come too late.
Not today.
The calm after the storm like everything is still to devastated to move. So we sit in the awkward silence of grief and disbelief.

Here now are the days that my head rests easy.

Trying to remember the words to describe a smile or that light feeling like I am the one finally laughing.

Harder than you think.............. expressing joy.

Been living off that misery I have built,
self loathing a bit of pity and a whole lot of "what the fuck"
and I wont count the days depression sets in and don't ask me about the cravings.

The sun is breaking the walls that were built in the darkness of no moon
here the heat drys any wet dreams,
no temptations to feed on.

so fuck the wine give me bottles of life.

Its all the same we find the things we can live off of
like living in the moment and dying in the result.

Ddddanger

A place temporary forever.
but solidarity helps with solitude
A known thought of welcomes worn thin.
Fragility based through her own failure to answer her instincts
but if only it was easy to take away faith.

Its pointless.

Common ground found its way to uncommon shoes
but what the hell does that really mean
I know you hate me but its not like I hide my flaws
that's a gift, the same place a curse comes from.

one in the same.

No sugar just salt

daily casualties
misconceptions break truths
when the first bullet rattles the seize fire
both sides hold blame
like two hidden aces held by different hands.

Wish I knew what you were looking for
But than again I wish I knew what I was looking for.

So many doors
all conceal prospective
judgment a human defensive when differences make the innocent insecure
A social balance
but the magnetic drive is not set to the sounds of drums but to the sounds of fading trumpets.
and we march on.

Drama will not die it breeds in the hearts of the ungrateful
determined to live on a wire
easily the past can push any back from that blinking green light.

Not better substitution than reality the only teacher that we need here.
so much of the wrong substance did i feed my brain
So we play the waiting game
with full plates and empty hearts
caged in and the spectators are the ones we share our life's with
a joyful occasion
watching souls looking for that perfect dotted line.

Sing for the bloody salvation because at nights end we go alone.
The bed might be warm the opposite side but the words are put away for a reason
The one thing about life is if we cant be safe with ourselves we are doomed
like a locked room its time too live with the noise you make.

Hate to describe the position of my politeness
but I have laid enough plots down to be guilty just by simple design
like the sign I will hold tomorrow "I have no more lemonade just my opinions".

Today

It hurts
trying so hard to do the right thing staying on a path that should be the right course
but feeling the dullness of my life now more than ever
you take away a mans vice and expect him to be the same

Maybe that is the hole that I am feeling a forever emptiness that was left by alcohol.

The still suffering

Crossroads built by my own lack of direction

sobriety producing no result

Paper blanks

This is a poem that was shared to me a long time ago by two dear friends. One whom I still talk to the other I have no Idea if she is even still alive. I do not know the Author but I will put it in quotation marks for respect purpose.

"Did you tackle the trouble that came your way, with a resolute heart and cheerful
or hide your face from the light of day with a craven soul and fearful.
Oh a troubles a ton or a troubles an once or a trouble is what you make of it.

It isn't the fact that your hurt that counts but only how did you take it
so your beaten to earth, well, well whats that.

Come up with a smiling face.

Its nothing against you to fall down flat but to lie there that's disgrace
the harder your thrown the harder you'll bounce.

Be proud of your blackened eye
it isnt the fact that your beat that counts its how did you fight and why

an though your be done to earth
what than,
if you battled the best you could, if you played your part in the world of men
why the critic call it good.

Death comes with a crawl or comes with a pounce and whether hes slow or spry
it isn't the fact that your dead that counts
but only how did you die?"

Well wish

I have to put it to rest
left to let some things stay alone
but I cant drink my breakfast anymore
so I look for things that still break fast.

Its real here and I cant pretend like I don't care anymore
Silence as it stays cold but its nice to see my own breath battle
playing favorites when it comes time to choose
like I already know who is willing to stand behind me

In my hands I see the emptiness
Guess they couldn't be down for forever
at times they held way to much
Like my bookshelf or that self made cross
but the game I played wasn't fair.
So it only means right that I lost.

Still I will not loose my grip
but I have to stop taking things forgranted before they are all gone
Its like I have to make sure this is all worth it
the fight for balance
Or the people that I will sacrifice for
 I still don't know all the exact measures so it wont hurt when she doesn't recognize the levels.

This is just a breakdown to a page that has no right to talk back
its alright cause I have seen the light.

So I at least know what it looks like.

Tough Blood

I learned to make my self smile the wrong ways
still have that twisted sense of humor
cause I know what its like to cut corners
don't have to
but hate to pass up any opportunity
especially when its the easier way out

These are what will be my fault
a fleeting glimpse of all the things that should have could have would have DIDN'T.

I don't mean to be complaining
this is not that at all

Life is a tall order for any of us to keep
some stay untouched
some never get a chance
few have the idea
even more have no idea

I know my blessings they are not from what you think
They are from Family, Friends, hard work a bit of tough luck and and a hell of a lot of good luck.
So I count them on the  daily
One thing that I wont take forgranted.

is death.

Problems

I don't drink, wont, cant, not yet
I don't use
I still abuse
myself.

I have that gift to be tough on myself
some one has to be.

Hands still shake
The heart rate is usually in a race and that fucker hates to loose
so the pace is a pressure no one should keep
I have too
bagged down eyes

Thinking to much
only makes circles that you will get lost in,
cant solve everything alone
no stopping though

where is the peace

Just another piece
missing

Ear plugs

Haven't you been listening

salvation

A world a way.

Lets see

All these shakes and screams
something to pull on

Rarely does sincerity come common
but still life is still life
empty belly and a needle in hand

Just a vision in the mirror

The sheep don't come here
they have found greener pastures
so I don't count on them.

Selfishly falter cause I cant watch another slaughter

Senseless
trying to make sense

What could be better than that.

I had a feeling

while you sleep,
when your working, doing what you got to
just a note
inch by inch

I know you don't think of me


I fight in silence cause that is where the heart is
trying to get you a chance to see my views

broken or not I don't turn my back

You just think since I don't do what you do
I am not right in the mind

I am not that fucking blind
no place to hide when your locked in your mind

I am not to be taken lightly.

Discuss the distrust as I roll with broken shoulders
I wont sleep

I don't get drunk anymore and wake up in strange places

I find the ones who need the heart beat.

All the same

Its a pity more than half of us wont make it
through to see the next page.

Crippling statistics
we fail to rise above their pre-determined fate

For me I have seen it first hand
to many to count who I no longer know if their hearts still beat?

But gradually it becomes worse
no feeling of a brand new the whole world is against you

an incomprehensible feat

The distractions are there for a reason
no one wants to see the real overcome

So they dull the senses and when help is needed its not their problem

But you are their problem

Like I am yours

Damage

Fight for balance
and hope for the chest
testing for the stress
and still feeling like I have never given it my best

Trying to not to loose ground while making my way through
Got to get up to get down
only to find my face in my palms

to quick to put off that fist
and that blood its normal

So stop the worry.

My best shoes

Will you release me
your grip has gone from deadly to ever present and still forceful
to hanging on enough to still be enticing
like what you have to offer is better than anything that I will ever see.
do you feel important now?
hows it feel to have puppets to order around
my freedom is visible but you hang there like a winter coat that's been forgotten.

I love you in a place where there is no space and time
that's my biggest secret.
I feel ill be lucky to find that quality ever again.
Ill take my anger to death
How loyal do I have to be.

I know that answer though
one of the only few that I do.

That if I go back
I will still have no control over you,
and eventually you will win seeing me to an early and sorry grave.

Fuck you

But I will never forget all the good you brought to me so let me rethink that sentence,

Thank you but fuck you very much alcohol,

your forever
friend

Sage.

Lay down

Rocks in the way and nothing to soften the blow
there was hate in the wind so I held my breath before I let you go.

Sat in your drive way and got lost in what it used to be,

So willing to finally picture it perfect.

Guess I trained hard to keep things the same. even though they slipped out from under me .This wasn't happening and everything would be fine............Eventually.


Right like that will work, like those stains on your lip will just disappear
or those scars on my wrist aren't there, just under the ink. But most wouldn't know.

Oblivious to the pain that keeps the days fading a loveless fasination
hardly...............

Somethings just don't change.


One day all those strings that keep the pieces together will be cut
Than what.

her

She says "You think to much."

What Key

I sit here away from everything
and when it becomes all to familiar it starts to fade away from what is real.

So I lay on my back looking to take tomorrow

but the missing pieces keep that door closed

So I am just a product of my surroundings
hidden from the rest of the world
mostly its hidden from me and I'm accountable only to the convictions that keep me in place.

IN place to be stuck

same song that keeps the breath in
but where would I be without all of you. and especially her.

This is my greatest downfall
my only guarantee
and if you don't know what it is you will when I walk away.

I'm not trying to get you down
I just don't have the pateintce

See I have a problem and its life and everything else was just self abusiveness.

Laughing at all of you

I liked it better when it wasn't safe like this.

Seems like everything I touch now I have support

Back than the things I held the most pushed people the furthest away

a nervous disorder

a crushing depression that will continue to be my hardest lesson

The shakes that mimic the first fatal mistake

I can still recreate the past and just like than its a separating source

I guess that's right and wrong a visible disposition.

A fever dream but I awake and its all to familiar

Talking to myself and still going crazy but they told me that I wasn't alone.

Who else is HERE?

Desperate to feel alive

I cant find replacements and those old highs were to high I guess.

At least the lows brought changes and a chance.

Bet to not take Back

A fresh beginning
it took a while to get here and I have been here before
but just like love and hate sometimes I cant really tell the difference
so when I need to find fault I look at my reflection.

I moved away from the place that held the majority of my pain,
It was obvious enough that I would carry it with me
but a constant visual reminder would be the finish.

I needed a start.

A full circle so I try to play my part when it comes to saying sorry.

Back than you said it was because we were young and to not feel so bad.
I wish I could sleep with an excuse like that, but than again I never really found an excuse nor a reason so I guess its better than nothing.
like you were.

Sad.

That's the truth.
But I will walk to the grave with a lot of this mess and I'm still in my twenties.
See I found the peace that helps to forgive not seeking it from other eyes except the ones I look through thats the hardest part of this is trying to forget.

Never will.

My mind races and I wish I could erase it,
cant train it away but too late to change.

Just deal
just deal
just deal

Oh its madness you say to bet on these odds
I forgot that you take chances pass going to bed with me.

Open Eyes

There is a future
I made it another day and I count it a victory as soon as I lay my head.

So I look at tomorrow as something to take
I can focus towards it with a nervous ambition.

Like the next drink would always cure the shakes.

Not always safe with me but I try,
eyes have been dry to long
I cant figure how the break downs work anymore.

Succeeded in taking it all apart but lost interest in putting it back together.
Got good at leaving things a mess and walking away with a calm content.

Now its all just a freezing anxiety of round corners and flat circles,

Haven't even made it to the point of accepting that I need to accept.
A sticky situation but Ill die for happiness which means I'm full of shit cause its a lost commodity.

More than half my life lost to sacrifice
common stories but the avenues lead to dead ends.



In came the income and out went true work.
When its put in jeopardy the fools play the game
they just didn't know that all the cards were the same.

See after the bridges stopped burning I picked up what was left and still found away to get across.

There is no POINT

nothing now is a quick fix
and I wont find god because I don't like looking for things that aren't there.

like those pink elephants.

So I reach for the bottles I cant hold anymore and realize
ill be alone like this as long as I can keep the line straight.

More than I like to admit depends on this straight line.

Too many directions and I cant make up my mind so it is helpful like advice that's asked for.

Mental slavery the broken side of bravery and the faded scenes that still hang around to keep my sleep unsteady.

I focus on whats important and lose sight of what really matters
collateral damage and the speak becomes twisted like the days her smile doesn't register.

Burn in a better way

Its all so short
only making it half way through
nothing more than a marking place
but there is credibility at the half.
everyone pays what they owe eventually


Who wants to measure my eyes when no one else dares to see through them

A distorted point of view
as no one listens to my actions
I feel the chiseling effect slowing as the down comforter signifies all the safety nets that now surround me.

Fear does funny things in people
and when I fail it seems a lot of people fail like they are standing on my edge trying to make sure that I don't slip and when I go we all go.

That is not my fault.

I hold on but only to the rhythm of life even when I cant keep the beat it still rattles on my tongue and bounces through my veins.

People come and people go.
I understood that along time ago

So I go in directions that I cant compass and become a first hand witness to people who become materials themselves.....

To be...
used,
tried,
loved

and than forgotten.

Its the cause of the highly improbable.

Inpromtu but my biggest problem now is you.

and you look my direction for answers,
when I cant sit through the day with the patience it takes to see the sun and the moon.
to much to consume.

Been to long sense my last step backwards but you're to good to hurt.

So right now when the fate comes calling I'm going to live for myself even with a conscience that's heavy with other peoples agendas.

li(f)e

This is the stuff of real life.
a slow dance by myself.
not even on a good night.
I need to learn to live on less.

Nobody fears the lows they just fear the climb back up.

A sense

Memories of what a home was.
But I cant figure out if it gets better than now?

She said why would you want to start over?
Just stuck between wanting to regret that I did than regret that I didn't.

Maybe my luck will be better else where.

Funny when time adds, seems to fast to grasp and when the questions cant be answered it seems I would need the patience of a lifetime just to see things out.

An old soul struggling, alcohol is a part of me just like she will be with me until the end.
Secrets and truth as all my life can be found in loose leaf.

Never able to forget but determined to forgive with a sense of humiliation.

Once in a while the shadows will slip my mind and the days go by with ease so I let them slide.

What pulls you through can you share some with me?

I don't want to die waiting... but I know now that if I don't do what needs to be done I will die wanting but I guess it all just plays fair.

Redemption and salvation as peace becomes something you see not something you feel.

People don't learn from their mistakes.

Now everything seems out of tune nothing new.

There is a selected few who have to deal with this as I do and I am grateful...

In debt to those who understand a bit of me
some days they know me better than I know myself.

Stability in a room that wont stop shaking.

Are you feeling guilty yet?

clorox

Compassion on a different level
When I cant fight my own feelings all I can do is laugh
A hidden weapon
I am better when I am at my worst
When I am at my best I don't want to be there
So I stay shallow to fit in.

Crushing up the weight but keeping the amount correct
Sometimes things need a change in prospective.

I do...

I need to see things.

More to feel them.

I don't always trust my gut and my heart has led me to places where screams are the language.

I fight being here, so I don't settle.
A silent heart finds stability in simple whispers.

So i speak loud and keep my heart beating,
beating,
beating ,
so I don't have to strain to hear.

I have seen time go by fast and in the mirror the changes are becoming obvious,
not so obvious is it..........

The way I think.

Just sink....

Running warm

We created the places that become invincible to even are own eyes,
consuming that strength that hold us together.

Nothing to save here

let it burn into the black of night
we will watch the smoke take over the air we breathe.

falling apart to part with everything that is real in my heart

bring the flag poles crashing to the ground wave that flag high but make sure its a half mass

never surrender to the masses and give the present a run for its money

let it be to just not be

You Dont Know Me

She said "Its been along time... I thought you were dead."

Understand

No sign on that face

The pain that comes today is homeward bound.

Bound together by the blood on the hands.

The wind finds its place to rest between the shadows

The suns grace continues to fall and I don't know how I stand tall.

But I will burn both ends and leave all of you the better parts of myself.

The sacrifices have to be made here.

SOBER

son of a bitch everything is real.

I struggle with this shit everyday

F.I.N.E

Addictive,

With a personality I still don't know.

Scared with reminders of yesterday,

Like a glass that's no longer transparent.

Quick to judge not.

But its obvious I have my own wounds to mend,

Its on the page of things to do,

Sew them shut and kill the curiosity .

Into the air.
Into the air.
Into the air....

And once again I learn how to breathe.

Fate Wont Swallow

Sorry for not getting back to you

I was busy doing nothing just so you know

Killing time as it kills me.

A captured heart unable to change

As the friction grows

I can no longer stay the same face

Wrinkled and blackened by the long nights

1000 battles to be fought everyday

Most are lost

Faded colors and memories still trying to find their place.

I have to stay awake though

All in hopes to catch fate and she sneaks out from under my sheets.

Race the Rat

Time is worth her soul

beyond love there is still no control

bones of broken dreams and cold steal beams

it seams that we all have one thing in common.

bright lights at nights end.

picture perfect but all faces are plastered here.

Nailed to the wall but not the cross we must sacrifice for tomorrow.

The hands of the clock are always the heaviest here.

Time a creation of control built by the same people whom it erases.

Disappointment when those shadows disappear

The love you have seen is not what you deserve.

If they Do

Blessed beyond imagination.

Stuck in the same ruts and I still reopen these old cuts.

Don't see that label "fuck up" much anymore.

But all I'm doing is getting older.

They say its best when its loved,
to hang in there when it hurts
and shit if the moneys good why not?

I don't blame you.

I blame myself and always will

Filled voids with unforgiving vices

E.E

You need to work to be a man.

Just cause your hands are steady doesn't mean that your head is.

What about your heart?

No one will ever know what you keep in between those shoulders.

A sober road is never the safe one, a white knuckled drive that has to be done.

Pressure never makes perfect it just creates cracks.

Enough is enough.

A place to stand

I dedicate my feet to standing alone

you want me to hide in that?

Catching ghosts out the corner of my eye,
cant help but think that is my own shadow passing me by.

heart full of something.

I could give it too you.

But the voices never stop talking ,
and I cant keep them out of tune for much longer.

Faced two eyes in the mirror
the bloodshot reflection just seems like a cliche now

I've kept it all hidden away.

hello evening

Check the videos out.
This band is full of good people and friends of mine plus they are very talented musicians.

hello evening. Mountain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtwWl8OuaUc&feature=related

hello evening- Perpetual Bouts Of Small Talk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EmOxtpLd4c

Nail bitters

loosing all parts of face,
as the mirror silently escapes.

whats left to chase,
chasing away the bottle,
broken in so many ways but these walls can only be built from the ground up.

Chin up,
left foot in front,
right behind every chance that came.

Forgetting to blame myself for the rain
but it came and washed the slates free from pain.

burdened down to create a dying sound
but who will hear the last spoken word?

ill f/x

It didn't stop but it changed everything.
Building up together
who knew I would see years past you.
Again this was far to soon.

We won and lost
took the amount and guessed the cost.

But life brought us things that we didn't ask for.

Together to young to know to old to care
to be fare I'm sorry I went a different way.

It seemed you remained the same in the old ways
with the same people that we loved.

I have your face in so many a great place.

Your race is done

I will continue on mine until I can no longer run.

A brother. A friend. A teammate.

I love you

I will miss you.

RIP
little Mikey.

Getting lucky

One day for tomorrow,
no rush to yesterday,
and the sky is more than enough for now.

For now the limits have been seized
just like his dreams that came true
the blue still shines trough.

To many shoes quit walking here
as if 12 steps seemed to far to count let alone walk.

Bent to bend to never break
but they said they stopped making these things as strong as they used too.

I guess I got lucky.

Enough space here,
but a lot of it was left empty.

Heavy with the head but the heart feels the freedom.

Accomplished to accompany any enemy to the end,

better left unsaid the wrong words when everything is right,
here tonight these hands are beaten and clean
tired but never defeated

I will watch them until they become depleted of everything that's real

Breakdown at breakfast

Fuck this
to much cost for this dead end world.
All I see is the end here.

Spent to much time just to feed a need.
Now I bleed on foreign soil,
as the days toil away
crumbled up and tossed
like forgotten foil
I make my way down the street I don't want to walk.

With cheap talk and language lesson of forgetting everything that I heard in the morning.
All for what?
Just to collapse and find myself breathing the same stench as yesterdays trash.

Bound to this beauty of this proving ground,
but was sold on the picture of it.

The real now sat clear in my eyes
and I knew I was going to be testing my heart.

Ready to leave this
got to the end of this rainbow
nothing here,
but cigarette butts and a broken clock that still ticks.

As the last token gets tossed,
I walk away already knowing what its about to say

Maybe a vase is better.

There is this problem here
with you and I
our eyes don't meet anywhere anymore
and lately I cant recognize my own face

Knowing your face is to hard to trace
I only want picture you smiling
remember when it came naturally to you?

Now the force of your movements puts a false action under you breath.

What took your heart.

Clearly your clarity is gone
where were you the last time your eyes looked straight.
Trying to catch the last glimpse of fate out the corner or your eye
stopped working the moment you saw that butterfly die.

Hows it going to be when your heart changes again
and you wont see me.

I polished away everything that was dulling my soul.

Its hard to let you know you got cold from the clouds and the rain kept that smile away,
you have found comfort in your pain
and
when this ends my friend

I'm sure we will find out that we have the same veins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uad17d5hR5s

Check this video out these guys are amazing.

Bora Bora

Ideas shared backwards
hidden agendas just under the breath
dry lips and twisted jaws
smoke to think,
drink to fit somewhere.
tomorrows established values
only to still sink.

Screaming mend us in every ear
choking on the flaw's
but smiling to the crowd who's afraid to know the truth

Smiling for the blade
summers for the sane
I'll sell my name to stay out of this game
backstabbing move but that's usually what I do
hurt by my own hand

I wont let yours come close enough to do damage.
flame and coal burn fast
but I cant listen that sound of silence right now

Its better to write sad songs than poems of love.

Fresh

something used
something bruised and beautiful
its all here
shattered glass and torn eyes.
lies,cries and unlawful punishment.

enough cement already.

lines to skin ink goes deep
sink from the surface to get a real view.

A fresh perspective.

So Far Away

Shes to young to care
but old enough to know that
her dads not around.

no apologies.

cant say much when I'm choking anyways.

Practicing the lines I would say in my mind.
quite and alone,but dirty and low.


remaining obnoxiously patient
figuring I should just drop my anchor here,
shattering all the dreams I keep under the surface.

what else is there to focus on when I cry to keep from laughing on purpose.

JUST GREY

Where does this stand
Sit with me somewhere
before we both know it
it will all be over
to soon sure
they've labeled me with numbers now
so all I can do is count down
still stuck by yesterdays fuck ups
and trying to make tomorrow brighter is killing the best parts of me.
Froze to sink to the levels of all the rest
cant stand this taste
nothing stronger than water to wash it all down with
they say I'm free..but from what
surely not myself
Tilt this till it all tumbles over
I have that nervous habit to keep looking left
To many distant thoughts to never find my way back
here and now
show some sings of life for this first time
and I will show you what its like to hide from the sunshine
I have failed to mention this but your eyes are crossed
I am the wood they build crosses out of
and you are the kind of person they sacrifice.
a perfect match in this brutal array
the only crime they can frame me with is never excepting what is
maybe always something more I don't know but I follow my heart
sometimes I listen to the rain and as the water builds puddles
I think of that tidal wave I hide in my chest
the storm before the calm never seemed so bleak
Ill place my feet in front of me when its my turn to walk the plank
surrounded by the blank stares
I will go to the depths that so few know
a stitched sword to a crooked pen
I would bend backwards to see any of you happy
once my back breaks than maybe you will realize that I was not selfish
Haunt the shallows of your soul
continue through until you've found that gold
are we all two toned or just grey.

Daily

The weight of my head is heavy
filled with to much of all the wrong things
like a ghost that sleeps
I cant make sense
to weak to feel my hands or feet
and I'm to scared to drink.

a sate of mind.

There is this madness here,
burned up and smashed together
the balance if any is largely unseen.

An illusion of dreams and a reality that does not see truth.
Bending here to fit in with the times
but life is letting old wounds heal for the first time.

The larger picture comes only in small fragments
they all seem like the wrong piece
I need and edge and I'm given a middle
between want and need
I will eventually plant the right seed.

I need to see things come true that don't hurt
How is happiness a feeling?

Disappear

Over and over again,
until is grooved out and the fit is for my hands only.

wet with rain as a thousand types of tears fall.

what regret will keep me from sleep tonight?
we all die a little everyday
so I laugh as these puddles slowly turn dry.

Tomorrow is a day to be remade
the possibilities are there
but habits kill and nothing is good forever.

Changes will be made but only out of necessity
wishing never helps
wishing never helps
wishing never helps
wants are only desires set for mass appeal.
as my needs become foggy
I focus towards the clouds and hope for the best.

OverThere

set solid
to from something different.
thoughts to keep flowing as
yesterdays life is only a hangover now.
I've watched fires be put out
mostly on a self determined path
all these missed shots
the dreams that don't work
a life that becomes stagnate is a disease
all these places and never once dropped anchor
a place to call home and a place to live
a big difference
good friends help time move easy
no rush here just always headed somewhere
and most of the time its really no where.

Grow

There's this madness here
burned up and smashed together
the balance if any is largely unseen
an illusion of dreams and a reality that does not see truth
bending here to fit with the times
but life is letting old wounds heal
the larger picture only comes in small fragments
and they all seem like the wrong piece
I need and edge and I'm given the middle
between what I want and what I need
I will eventually plant the right seed

on a wall

sick in the stomach and nothing to compare it with.
the grip of life is now loose and its your time to choose

a broken down palace
but no skill here for reconstruction
just the fucked up specialty of demolition


oh... and of course a horse with no name.

D.T.B

Erased faces
a fading place.
counting souls to add up the waste.
no individuals here,
there is no such luck.
no luxury of an identity,
to many eyes see with no sight.
and at the end of the light it only gets dark again.

cant stand to watch
it might be to late
wont be the first mistake fueled only by hate.
I tape my mouth shut to keep from wasting my words
sentences continue to go through dismal ears
as these years past the only thing that changes are my fears.
here I will lay me down

RILKE

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it live your way into the answer.."

These are words from Rilke that come from his book Letters To A Young Poet. This book helped calm me down and understand that once again patience is a virtue and what I was doing in Paris was a dream come true. That dream came from alot of hard work and dedication and even though it was difficult I once again pulled through and saw things out.

living with no regrets... Right?